Cunning Plan – British Olympic Committee adds Wine Tasting to 2012 Olympics to Bump Up Anemic Medal Totals

Speaking before a crowd of 23 Japanese tourists, 5 street people and over 1,000 pigeons in Trafalgar Square, Lord Sebastian Coe, chairman of the British Olympic Committee, announced today that wine tasting has been added to the 2012 Olympics.

“We Brits have owned most of the wine world at various times [Bordeaux, Loire, parts of Burgundy, the Americas – most of it anyway, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, etc, etc.] and if we didn’t own it, we were responsible for the creation or popularization of some of the best products [Port, sherry, Hock, etc, etc.]. We are also generally rubbish at most sports and manage to lose even those we invented [football (soccer to those of you in the former American colonies), rugby, tennis, etc, etc.]. Mindful of these issues and desperate not to look like the poncy losers we are, we have developed a cunning plan to increase our medal totals at the 2012 Olympics. Accordingly, we have added Wine Tasting to the sports agenda.”

Events to be contested under the Wine Tasting rubric include –

‘Pretentious Git Tasting Notes’ – This will involve tasting 3 incredibly ordinary wines and preparing tasting notes of the most florid nature. Medals will be awarded for the most incomprehensible and ridiculous descriptions. Gilly Goulden and Oz Clark are likely to be British team captains. Masters of Wine will be the judges. Since the vast majority of MW’s are Brits, the outcome should be certain.

‘Spitting for Distance and Accuracy’ – Contestants will be required to spit into a 3/4’s full spittoon from distances of 1, 2 and 3 meters. Splash patterns will be analyzed with medals awarded for least splash over the 3 distances. Dribble patterns down the participants’ bibs will lead to disqualification.

‘”Food” and Wine Matching’ – an event sure to earn many medals for the British team, contestants will have to pair common supermarket wines with those paragons of British cuisine – a Chip Butty, Bubble & Squeak, Toad in the Hole, SpagBol, Beans on Toast, Marmite, and Jaffa Cakes. Medals will be awarded for Most Imaginative Food & Wine Combo, and to anyone whose stomach is strong enough to eat all of those foods. “Since most people wouldn’t even consider eating any of these things ‘foods’, much less matching them with wine, we’ve got this one nailed”, said Lord Coe.

‘Binge Drinking Relay’ – This will be a men’s and women’s event, played in teams of 3. The first member of the team will chug a bottle of typical “house” wine, run 400 meters [equivalent to walking to the next pub], then hand off to the next member who will do the same, etc, etc. This continues until one member of the team hurls, passes out, or otherwise is unable to continue; the team time and consumption will be recorded. The winning team will consume the most wine over the longest time. Amy Winehouse, the British team mascot, will lead cheers, if not participating in the event herself. She is also charged with distracting the paparazzi.

“We’ve got this event nailed”, said Lord Coe. “We invented wine tasting and have perfected binge drinking. Most of the adult population and a significant proportion of the under-18’s are already binge drinking at world class levels. Picking a team will be easy. The medals are in the bag.”

Jancis Robinson MW and Michael Broadbent have been named Team Manager and Team Manager Emeritus, respectively. “With the events planned and the quality of the British participants, we aim to dominate”, said Jancis. “Bring it on!”

Immediately following the announcement by Lord Coe, Robert Parker volunteered his services to the US Olympic Committee. “I won’t let those effete snobs run away with the sport. I can be as over the top as the best of them”, Robert said without the least hint of irony. Michael Broadbent countered Mr. Parker’s taunts by suggesting he [Parker] should be tested for steroids - “Have you seen pictures of him [Parker] from the 1980’s? Look at him now. All that bulk can’t come naturally!”

Smack talking continued from other quarters – James Halliday of Australia was heard to say “Damn whinging Poms don’t know anything about wine. We’ll knock them for 6!” Meanwhile, from John Platter, coach of the South African team, “They can’t win at cricket or rugby or football. What chance have they got against us in wine tasting?”

To read more from the Dregs Report, click on the link.

Austrian Wine Trips in 2009

This year there will be 2 wine trips to the regions around Vienna (Wagram, Thermenregion, Carnuntum) and up the Danube (Kamptal, Kremstal and Wachau). The price of the trip (£650.00) will include land transportation from Vienna, all accommodation (double or twin room), all meals, all tours and tastings. Drinks provided by the winemakers are included. Drinks at most meals will be extra. Flights are extra and there will be a single occupancy supplement of £100. Since EasyJet now flies into Vienna from either Gatwick or Luton you can book your flights quite cheaply, especially if you book early (Gatwick is recommended as it is less expensive right now AND has better times). As prior trip participants can tell you, these trips are a gourmet and wine tasting extravaganza! Some of the cultural highlights will include a tour of Stift Klosterneuberg, the historical home of commercial wine making in Austria and a beautiful monastery, and a stay in Dürnstein, the UNESCO World Heritage site where Richard the Lionhearted was imprisoned when returning from the Crusades.

ROUGH Itinerary –
Day 1 – depart Gatwick on EasyJet, arrive in Vienna at 1425. After picking up the van, we’ll drive to Gumspoldkirchen southwest of Vienna at the base of the Vienna Woods. There may be time for a quick soak in the thermal baths before dinner. Dinner will be at Waldgasthof Schimanszky, a brilliant restaurant in the woods featuring the wines and homemade goods of the force of nature that is Wolfgang Schimanszky. Overnight in Gumspoldkirchen.

Day 2 – Tour and tasting of Spaerot Gebeshuber in Gumpoldskirchen with lunch at their wine bar. After lunch we’ll make a short drive to Göttlesbrunn in Carnuntum to visit Franz & Christine Netzl for a tour and tasting. Dinner at a Heuriger in Gumpoldskirchen. Overnight in Gumspoldkirchen.

Day 3 – Morning tour of Stift Klosterneuberg, lunch at the Stift or in Klosterneuberg. Late afternoon tasting, probably at Schloss Gobelsburg or Bründlmayer in Kamptal. Alternatively, if desired, we may spend the afternoon with some of the monks of the Stift where there is a large English language contingent. Dinner and overnight in Dürnstein.

Day 4 – Morning for exploration of Dürnstein. Late morning tour and tasting at Tegernseerhof (or other producer) in Wachau. Lunch in Dürnstein. Afternoon visit to Stift Gottweig (yet another UNESCO World Heritage site), where they make some wine, too! Dinner at the Richard Löwenherz and overnight in Dürnstein.

Day 5 – Another opportunity to taste some of the wines of the Wachau (producer[s] to be determined). Early lunch on the way back to Vienna. Flight back to the UK in the late afternoon.

A deposit of £100 is required to secure your place. Payment in full is due 4 weeks before departure. Cancellation less than 4 weeks before departure will result in the forfeit of your deposit.
*****

Booking and prepayment for the tours is required. So phone (01628-472214) or email (paula@ultimatewines.co.uk) to book your place. A deposit of £100/person is required to hold a place on the wine tours. Payment in full is required 4 weeks before travel.

7 May 09 Tasting - Swiss Wines - Grape Varieties You've NEVER Heard Of

Venue - London – Bacchus & Comus, 57 Pelham Street, London SW7 2NJ
Time - 6:30 – 8:00 pm
Date - 7 May 2009 (Thursday)
Cost - £40.00/person

Switzerland offers so much more in the vinous area than those incredibly ordinary Fendants and Dôles that you drink on your ski trips. This tasting will feature 12 (!!) unique grape varieties that you've probably have never heard of so it’s a real opportunity to add to your grape variety “life list”. All these wines are rare and seldom made anywhere, even in Switzerland. Most are from the Valais, that beautiful valley along which the Rhône River flows on the way up from Zermatt. The tiny producers here make some outstanding wines. The wines aren’t cheap but, then, what is in Switzerland. So to experience the pleasures of Heida (Païen), Cornalin, Resi, Lafnetscha, Gamaret, and Gwäss, among others, join us on 7 May.

Booking and prepayment for the tasting is required. Phone (01628-472214) or email (paula@ultimatewines.co.uk) to book your place. All of the tastings are sit-down, tutored tastings so arrival on time is important. Please let me know if you will be late (mobile – 07745-895210). See you there.

Wine Tasting for Dummies - a simple system

I struggled through the wine tasting part of the WSET Diploma course. It wasn't that I didn't have a pretty good palate. My friends, and later, my customers always seemed to like the wines I selected and I never enjoyed cheap and nasty bulk wines (which must, in my way of thinking, validate my choices somewhat). My problem was how to describe what I was smelling and tasting. For the Diploma, it mattered. But in real life, it doesn't. So, eventually, I evolved what I call the "Yum or Yuck" system of tasting.

This system can be as simple as just Yum or Yuck. That's good enough. Either you like the wine or you don't. And everyone who can smell and taste can do it.

Of course, you may want to get fancy and make the "Yum or Yuck" system follow the conventional "professional" system of Appearance, Nose, Palate and Conclusions. So here's the expanded version of the "Yum or Yuck" system.

Part I - Appearance - Does it look good? Who cares what colour it is besides red, white or pink? Of course, if it's a particularly pretty colour, that's fine to note. And if it resembles something from your septic tank, that's worth noting, too (that would be a definite "Yuck!").

Part II - Nose (or what does it smell like?) - In the "professional" system it is common to go all "Gilly Goolden" with your descriptions (Gilly Goolden is a well-known UK wine personality who used to be on the Food & Drink programme and was known for her very florid descriptions of the wine she tasted). So if you want to be professional in your wine descriptions, you can describe a wine as smelling of almost anything and everything. If you're very creative, you can describe a long list of scents you find in the glass.

But my scent descriptor is defective. At best I can usually manage generic flowers, fruits (red,white, or berries if I get fancy), savoury (not exactly what, just that it smells like dinner!), vegetal (bushes in general or herbal if fancy), and spices (again, nothing specific more often than not). However, the "Yum or Yuck" system really focuses more on how I feel about what I smell. That is, do I want to jump in the glass and do the backstroke through it's incredibly gorgeous sensual pleasures OR am I looking for the Glade to get the stink out? Of course, there's a wide universe between those two extremes. Do I like the smell a lot, a little, not very much or ... yuck, get me out of here! It's as simple as that.

Part III - Palate (or what does it taste like?) - Here, again, the pros use long and detailed descriptions of all the tastes in the glass. A wide variety of fruits, flowers, spices, minerals, and even more exotic descriptors (pencil lead, cigar box, wet stones, etc.) are regularly used. Well, if you taste them, that's swell and good for you, "use 'em if you've got 'em". Then there are all the "mouthfeel" descriptors used by the pros - is the wine big in the mouth, thin, acidic, fat, unctuous, tannic, structured, elegant, simple, etc, etc, etc. Nice to know and, actually, quite useful but NOT necessary. In my simple system, all you need to decide is does the wine taste good, bad or so-so? Does the wine feel good in your mouth as well as tasting good?

Part IV - Conclusions - Here's where the real pros get determined. The "good" ones try to tell you the country, region, grape varieties, vintage, producer, vineyard, heck, even the day the grapes were picked. Even the best can seldom get the country and variety right very often. But the REAL conclusion you need to reach is do you want more of this wine? Will you rush out to get more NOW, mortgaging the house or trading your children, if necessary? Will you gratefully accept a glass if offered? Will you bravely sip from a glass reluctantly accepted if necessary? OR, will you pour the vile stuff into the nearest loo? In short, is this wine a YUM or a YUCK?

You are now an expert taster. Try it yourself.