Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Cunning Plan – British Olympic Committee adds Wine Tasting to 2012 Olympics to Bump Up Anemic Medal Totals
Speaking before a crowd of 23 Japanese tourists, 5 street people and over 1,000 pigeons in Trafalgar Square, Lord Sebastian Coe, chairman of the British Olympic Committee, announced today that wine tasting has been added to the 2012 Olympics.
“We Brits have owned most of the wine world at various times [Bordeaux, Loire, parts of Burgundy, the Americas – most of it anyway, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, etc, etc.] and if we didn’t own it, we were responsible for the creation or popularization of some of the best products [Port, sherry, Hock, etc, etc.]. We are also generally rubbish at most sports and manage to lose even those we invented [football (soccer to those of you in the former American colonies), rugby, tennis, etc, etc.]. Mindful of these issues and desperate not to look like the poncy losers we are, we have developed a cunning plan to increase our medal totals at the 2012 Olympics. Accordingly, we have added Wine Tasting to the sports agenda.”
Events to be contested under the Wine Tasting rubric include –
‘Pretentious Git Tasting Notes’ – This will involve tasting 3 incredibly ordinary wines and preparing tasting notes of the most florid nature. Medals will be awarded for the most incomprehensible and ridiculous descriptions. Gilly Goulden and Oz Clark are likely to be British team captains. Masters of Wine will be the judges. Since the vast majority of MW’s are Brits, the outcome should be certain.
‘Spitting for Distance and Accuracy’ – Contestants will be required to spit into a 3/4’s full spittoon from distances of 1, 2 and 3 meters. Splash patterns will be analyzed with medals awarded for least splash over the 3 distances. Dribble patterns down the participants’ bibs will lead to disqualification.
‘”Food” and Wine Matching’ – an event sure to earn many medals for the British team, contestants will have to pair common supermarket wines with those paragons of British cuisine – a Chip Butty, Bubble & Squeak, Toad in the Hole, SpagBol, Beans on Toast, Marmite, and Jaffa Cakes. Medals will be awarded for Most Imaginative Food & Wine Combo, and to anyone whose stomach is strong enough to eat all of those foods. “Since most people wouldn’t even consider eating any of these things ‘foods’, much less matching them with wine, we’ve got this one nailed”, said Lord Coe.
‘Binge Drinking Relay’ – This will be a men’s and women’s event, played in teams of 3. The first member of the team will chug a bottle of typical “house” wine, run 400 meters [equivalent to walking to the next pub], then hand off to the next member who will do the same, etc, etc. This continues until one member of the team hurls, passes out, or otherwise is unable to continue; the team time and consumption will be recorded. The winning team will consume the most wine over the longest time. Amy Winehouse, the British team mascot, will lead cheers, if not participating in the event herself. She is also charged with distracting the paparazzi.
“We’ve got this event nailed”, said Lord Coe. “We invented wine tasting and have perfected binge drinking. Most of the adult population and a significant proportion of the under-18’s are already binge drinking at world class levels. Picking a team will be easy. The medals are in the bag.”
Jancis Robinson MW and Michael Broadbent have been named Team Manager and Team Manager Emeritus, respectively. “With the events planned and the quality of the British participants, we aim to dominate”, said Jancis. “Bring it on!”
Immediately following the announcement by Lord Coe, Robert Parker volunteered his services to the US Olympic Committee. “I won’t let those effete snobs run away with the sport. I can be as over the top as the best of them”, Robert said without the least hint of irony. Michael Broadbent countered Mr. Parker’s taunts by suggesting he [Parker] should be tested for steroids - “Have you seen pictures of him [Parker] from the 1980’s? Look at him now. All that bulk can’t come naturally!”
Smack talking continued from other quarters – James Halliday of Australia was heard to say “Damn whinging Poms don’t know anything about wine. We’ll knock them for 6!” Meanwhile, from John Platter, coach of the South African team, “They can’t win at cricket or rugby or football. What chance have they got against us in wine tasting?”
To read more from the Dregs Report, click on the link.